You Can't Kill Hitler

Ask anyone what they’d do with a time machine and you’ll get one of two answers:

1. Play the lottery or invest in things they know will pay off big.

2. Kill Hitler.

If they answer #1, they’re selfish. If they answer #2, they’re dumb. Here’s an example:

Meet Ben:

Ben is a Coffee Bean barista and if he had a time machine, he thinks he could kill Adolf Hitler. In fact, he constantly asks others what they would do if they had a time machine, but he really only does it so he can tell them what he would do if he had a time machine.

I really enjoy Ben’s confidence.

It doesn’t cross Ben’s mind that perhaps people alive during World War II might have had the same idea. They might have been having dinner with a friend and said, “you know what? Hitler kinda sucks. Maybe we should kill that dude.”

Ben is able to put all of that aside, and even though his 2016 life is pretty bland, he’s sure that if he was alive in the 1930s he would make history. Time has been his only obstacle this whole time!

Ben thinks that if he were to go to Germany in 1935 he could walk up to thefirst guy he saw (ignoring the fact that he can’t speak an ounce of German and that his hipster mustache and skinny jeans would raise more than a few eyebrows) and simply say, “hey man, where’s Hitler at?” He’s sure he’ll get the right answer from Franz, and will probably try to Uber over to Hitler’s residence from there.

Also, don’t ask Ben questions about this plan that might poke holes in it. This upsets him very much.

But Ben, what would you kill him with? What about his bodyguards and all of that?

“I dunno man, I would just do it. Someone has to do it.”

My hero.

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Why Does Sex Make a Baby?

Out of all the options available, why is sex is the action that creates a baby? Bringing a new human being into the world is probably the biggest decision you’ll make in a lifetime, and let me ask you…

How many good decisions have you made when you’re horny?

It’s not exactly an emotion that produces rational thought. We’ve all spent money we didn’t have, woken up places we wished we didn’t… not our proudest mental state, is it?

There are so many other options that would be more logical. How about a nice, thoughtful wish upon a star? A wish that sends a giant stork flapping its wings towards your home, a swaddled baby dangling from its beak. That fake story makes more sense than reality! Hell, it’d make more sense if you had to submit paperwork to The Babymakers, a company that would then approve your application and send you one. Amazon Prime could take baby delivery from nine months to two days!

Creating a new human should be like writing a business plan. It should involve a calm, rational discussion with every single item of your clothes on. Perhaps over tea.

It shouldn’t involve two horny people with insane levels of adrenaline, estrogen and testosterone. You’re basically high. You shouldn’t be allowed to operate heavy machinery, let alone create a person.

If I could go back to the birds and the bees conversation, I’d ask a lot more questions. You mean I just touch my naughty parts with a girl’s, and a baby arrives in less than a year? There aren’t any forms to fill out or anything?

Honestly, what other important life decisions do you make with a boner? I assure you I didn’t have one when I picked my major in college, forged my career path, or chose a house to live in. They were all rational, flaccid decisions.

Because I’m responsible.

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When Does Self-Consciousness Kick In?

I took my wife out recently (Applebee’s), and there was a three-year-old boy in the booth next to us, standing on his seat and staring at me through the glass partition. He didn’t blink for minutes on end. I think he saw my soul.

You’ve been caught staring before, right? I’ve been caught hundreds of timesover the years… an attractive woman, a dude with a mullet on purpose, a homeless guy pretending a banana is a gun, etc.

When that person turns and catches you, what do you do? I’m guessing you look away and pretend you weren’t staring like a creep. Not this kid…

He didn’t flinch when I looked back at him. There wasn’t an ounce of “I better look somewhere else” in his bones. Dude was on a mission to figure me out, and couldn’t be stopped.

Can you imagine doing that as an adult?

Imagine seeing an attractive person in a booth next to you at Applebee’s (pretty easy, as it only exists in your imagination). Now imagine they look over at the same time and you unintentionally lock eyes for a second.

But this time, instead of looking away, you did what this three-year-old did and JUST. KEPT. STARING.

Do they dig your confidence, or call the authorities? I dunno, I’m way too married (and too much of a wimp) to try.

That’s the difference between that kid and us adults. We’re self-conscious, and society hasn’t beaten that into him yet. He hasn’t worn a pink t-shirt to school and had someone call him gay, or had a group of kids point and laugh at how big his belly button is during swim class (these aren’t personal references, okay?). Right now, he’s pure.

As I finished off my shrimp scampi linguine, I got a little jealous of his fearlessness. Is this kid more secure than I am? Regardless, I kind of liked the fact he chose me as his muse. I was flattered that he thought I was so interesting.

Then my wife, facing the other way, pointed out a cute little four-year-old girl on the side of the booth she was facing. The three-year-old boy had been looking at this little girl the whole time — he didn’t give a shit about me.

And that’s when my self-consciousness kicked in.

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You Can't Kill Baby Hitler, Either

Two weeks ago I wrote a post called You Can’t Kill Hitler, poking fun at people who think they could easily kill him if they had a time machine. It sparked some insanely passionate, detailed theories as to how someone could pull it off… I mean these people really did their homework — one guy even outlined an entire screenplay about it!

The most common theory was to kill Hitler before he gained any political power and had any bodyguards. “Baby Hitler,” as he was often referred to in responses I received. Let’s think that one through as well…

So Ben the Coffee Bean barista has a new plan… he’s going to go back to 1890, when Adolf Hitler was just a year old. He still doesn’t speak any German, and his skinny jeans and hipster mustache raise even MORE eyebrows.

Ben walks around yelling, in English mind you, “have you seen a baby named Adolf?!” Yeah, that should get him somewhere. No one would call the cops and have them arrest this crazy person…

But let’s take that out of the equation, and say that Ben did some research before his time travels, and was able to hunt down Baby Hitler’s childhood address and navigate his way over there.

Now Ben has to wait until Mr. and Mrs. Hitler are gone, and straight-up murder a baby. Does that sound easy to you? Granted, this guy grows up to be one of the most evil people humanity has ever seen, but right now he’s a giggling, pants-pooping, drooling little baby. No tiny mustache, no discernable evil just yet. How is Ben gonna do it?

But we’ll even take THAT out of the equation and say that Ben was able to compartmentalize himself, and simply focus on the fact that this one baby murder can save millions and millions of lives down the road. He does it, and though it was incredibly difficult, he feels proud.

Well, as it turns out, 1890s Germans aren’t big fans of baby murder. Ben is locked up in an old German prison for life. “But you don’t understand… that wasn’t any old baby, that was Adolf Hitler!” This means nothing to anyone. He isn’t a hero to anyone past or present, as Hitler would have no notoriety at any point in history anymore. Ben the baby murderer is a hero, but no one will ever know it.

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